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| Tom Stone |
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Relationship Coaching has become a niche market for many coaches. This usually involves coaching people about a relationship with a significant other. Our intimate relationships often serve as a kind of spiritual practice for us. They tend to mirror our deepest unresolved issues with increasing frequency and intensity until we either embrace and heal these deep seated inner issues or blow off the relationship in frustration. The latter often happens when one person is under the illusion that the problems are the fault of the other person and everything would be fine, if only the other person would be different.
Just because our “stuff” can be triggered most easily in intimate relationships doesn’t mean that similar issues won’t present themselves or be barriers to our success in other types of relationships, including business or social environments. Because of the wide variety of applications, there can be a really big bang for the buck from learning some of the basic principles involved in effective relationship coaching.
The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself; it’s the only real foundation for authentic and effective relationship coaching. How can you be an effective relationship coach otherwise?
Let us start with your relationship with yourself. There are several basic concepts that are helpful to understand when approaching relationship coaching. First and foremost is that ALL relationship problems start with you. All relationships problems are grounded in any unresolved inner conflicts you may have. If you are unaware of these issues, you are likely to compromise your relationship with your clients.
Stop dating your parents!
As an example, let’s say you meet someone who seems really special to you. You feel a strong sense of attraction to this person and the two of you start dating. You know, it’s that “red fog” stage of infatuation when you are really convinced that this person is your “soul mate.” How many times have you or a friend been in this situation, only to see the “high” wear off and find yourselves behaving in ways that strangely resemble unresolved issues that you have with your parents? What’s going on here?
If we are still unconsciously seeking love that we feel we didn’t get from our parents, then we will be strongly attracted to someone who has similar issues such as emotional unavailability. This is especially true if there seems to be a pattern of becoming involved repeatedly with people who tend to have the same issues. What’s the answer? The only real solution lies in being able to love yourself enough that you don’t need to keep looking for that love from someone else. Actually, what you are looking for isn’t love; you are looking for a way to get your needs met. These needs include: being seen, appreciated, acknowledged, approved of and respected. The problem is that you can’t just decide to give yourself these things – you have to find them within yourself.
Pure Awareness is the place of wholeness inside us where we experience who and what we truly are. It is where we can be at peace with ourselves and from where we can make decisions based only on love and self-acceptance.
There is a very effective route to Pure Awareness, a simple technique called the Great Awareness Place (GAP) exercise. The GAP technique will enable you to resolve the inner feelings that lead to these needs and allow you to experience Pure Awareness - your own essential nature.
I highly recommend that you put down this article, go to your computer and listen to this short simple exercise so that you have the direct experience of the GAP. It will make the rest of the article much more meaningful. To be guided through this experience via an audio file on the web, go to www.wavemakercoaching.com/audio/cdpdt/gappa02.mp3.
Pure Awareness - your essential nature
When you experience the essential nature of who you truly are, you will notice that nothing is missing. You feel expansive and peaceful with a sense of already being whole and complete. You no longer need to find that sense of being okay from having someone else approve of you or “love” you. With repeated practice of the GAP exercise you can begin to develop a sense of feeling independent, whole and stable within yourself. Once you have developed this simple yet profound form of “self love” you won’t need to look outside yourself. You will have achieved a return to wholeness where everything you need is within you. This gives you a deep experiential understanding of yourself and a profound basis for sustaining a successful relationship with both yourself and others.
Think about it. How many times have you been in a relationship where the other person was “needy”? How did it feel? Awful, wasn’t it? It probably felt as if they were sucking the energy out of you. In fact, this is actually what they were doing. It’s natural to develop resentment towards someone when this is what is happening.
When you are stuck in the place where you have to get your needs met by someone else, they are also experiencing that same “taking” of their energy by you. To avoid this, you must establish an inner stability and a “knowing” of who you are. The GAP exercise is a great way to do that and will help you become someone capable of enjoying successful relationships with others. If you would like to be guided through the GAP exercise you can listen to the audio recording which can be accessed .
How does this apply to coaching?
Why is this aspect of relationship coaching meaningful for everyone? Think about your relationship with an existing or prospective client. If you still have any inner sense of needing to be recognized, acknowledged or appreciated you will put out a subtle vibe of that need without even being aware of it. Your prospective client will feel it and, in many cases, will shy away from you and not want to hire you as their coach. They won’t necessarily be able to articulate it but they just won’t be attracted to having you coach them, no matter how good your coaching program appears to be.
To coach from a grounded place of inner stability is a powerful foundation for your practice. You don’t have to worry about whether or not your client likes you. You can give them what they really need without any attachment to their approval or acknowledgement. It’s really the only way that your coaching can be fully about your client and not about you. You will find that when you are grounded in Pure Awareness you will be the most effective coach that you can be.
Enjoy,
Tom Stone
Founder – Great Life Technologies, LLC
About the Author:
Tom Stone is a frequent contributor to Choice. He is founder and President of Great Life Technologies, LLC and he became involved in coaching when he met Thomas Leonard, founder of Coachville and Coach U in Nov. of 2002. Within a week after meeting Tom Stone, Thomas Leonard asked Tom to be his personal coach. Tom has developed the and Certification Program that is available through Great Life Technologies, LLC – see . The GAP exercise is one of five powerful new coaching techniques taught in the Core Dynamic Coach Training Program.
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